Three Guys Walk into a Bar!
I’m the kind of guy who is easy to get along with. I mean I don’t get very emotional over odd or rare events, even when they happen to me. I just kind of let them slide, you know? Well, several of my fellow teachers of Roman mythology and I were at a bar when three really strange men walked in.
But let me back up. I’m a literature professor, and my buddies and I had just finished teaching a section on Roman gods in literature and how Renaissance poets alluded to them. We joked about the Roman god, Janus, the god after whom the month of January is named. We joked about Janus’s having two faces. The Romans believed that one of his faces faced the past and one faced the future. He stood at the beginning of a new year and at the end of the old year. His two-faced head was why we joked about him.
And we had a laugh about the Roman god Mercurius. He was the messenger of the gods and supposedly had little wings on his feet.
We thought the idea of the Roman gods were either silly or weird. We were in for a revelation.
Anyway, we were drinking and joking when three guys walked into the bar. It’s okay that they walked in. I mean, it’s okay that anybody can walk into a bar, but to walk in wearing costumes from a toga party? The least they could have done was to dress for the occasion. I mean except for the togas, they were almost naked.
One member of the group, apparently the leader, wore a Roman war helmet and carried a sword.
Another was a skinny little guy, and he had some really cute wings on his feet. He had curly hair under a strange hat. When he moved, he seemed to flit from side to side like an old movie with some frames missing from the film.
That was strange enough, but the really bizarre part was that one of the guys had a head with two faces, and both faces worked. One face was at the front of the head, and the second face was at the back of the head.
I tapped the shoulder of the guy next to me, and I said, “I don’t want to be politically incorrect, but doesn’t that guy in the front have a Siamese head. I mean a birth defect caused that. Don’t you think?”
The guy’s eyes got really big, and he gulped, and he said, “I’ve been here too long. I’m going home!” He climbed off the bar stool and staggered out the exit. He wouldn’t go near the three at the front door.
The toga in the front led the group to where I stood. He had a fierce look on his face and his voice was a growl, “We’re looking for the guy who likes to joke about Roman gods.”
I looked at him to see if he was joking. He didn’t look like a fraternity student out on a joke. I decided he was probably serious, except for the Roman sword he held in his hand. I didn’t know what to do about that.
I said, “You’ve found me!” I stuck my hand out and said, “Hi, I’m Gabriel.”
It must have surprised him with my admission because he stuck his hand out and grabbed my arm in a Roman clasp.
Then he gasped, “We can’t be friends. What am I doing greeting you? You have insulted us!”
I responded. “Sure, we can be friends! Let's, have a drink together!” Then, I said “The least you can do is to tell me whom I have offended!”
In a tacky tone he replied, “The least you can do is recognize the ones whom you have offended!”
I quipped, “Okay, I give up! Who the heck are ya?”
Suddenly, He became very formal. He did some kind of impressive salute with sword! He said, “I am Mars, God of war!” His chest swelled, and he put his thumb on his chest, “The entire planet of Mars is named after me!”
I would have laughed if it hadn’t so impressive.
Then, the skinny little guy, with the cute little wings on his feet, and a high-pitched voice, stepped up and said a squeaky, “I am Mercurius, messenger of the Gods! And the whole planet of Mercury is named after me!” Then he did a toss of his head as if he were flipping long hair from his face. He turned to the guy named Mars, and asked quickly, “Is this the one? Should I go tell Jupiter? Huh? Should I? Huh? Should I?”
The guy named Mars barely was able to answer Mister Winged Feet. He just nodded. Old winged feet left the room in a flit.
That’s when the strange two-faced guy stomped up to me. The front face had a very serious manner about him. He said, “Greetings, Citizen. I am Janus.” Behind him, the other face said, Was!” The front faced finished introducing himself, “God of the New year.”
Behind his back, the other face said, “Was the old year!”
Mister winged appeared again and squeaked, “I’m back!”
Mister New Year said, “Okay.”
In desultory tones, Mister Old Year said “Was!”
Winged Feet said, “They are glad you found him!”
Mister old year grumped, “Were glad.”
The Mars guy asked, “Do they want me to go to war with him?”
New Year nodded, “Oh, yeah. My calendar for the new year is open. No new wars are scheduled yet!”
Little Winged feet flitted over to Mister New Year, “You want me to tell Jupiter and the others that the year is open for a new war?”
Mister Old Year grunted, “Was open!”
A loud crashing noise erupted behind me. We turned to see Mister Mars banging his sword hilt on the bar. He shouted a bellicose, “Wait just a minute. I’m the god of war. I am supposed to decide if there is to be a war!”
Mister Old Year whispered, “Was supposed to have decided.”
Mister Mars climbed upon the bar. He shouted. “I tell you…”
The bartender handed him a beer and said, “If you’re gonna act like you’re drunk, you should at least have a drink in your hand.”
Mister Mars was appropriately kind. He smiled and said, “Thank you Citizen!”
He raised his beer high. He shouted, “Here’s to me, the only guy who can make a war!” He finished off his beer in one gulp! He turned to the bartender, “Citizen, another beer please!”
The bartender asked, “You wanna run a tab?”
Mister Mars asked, “Sorry. What does that mean?”
“I give you beers now. You pay me later!”
Mister Mars took a few seconds to understand that concept, his face developed an ecstatic look. He grinned, “Oh, yeah! I like that idea!”
Suddenly, Mister winged feet flited beside Mister Mars. He squeaked, “Me too, me too.”
Mister two face caught on quickly, also. He roared, “Oh, hell yes.” He bellied up to the bar. That left only Mister Old Year not drinking, Mister New Year faced the bar, Mister Old year faced me.
I asked, “Not drinking?”
He glumly replied, “I had a hangover yesterday because of him. When he drank, I had the headache!”
I asked, “But, don’t you drink?”
He replied, “I didn’t!”
“Why not?”
“Because his drink came to me after he drank it.”
I asked him, “Why do you keep speaking in the past tense?”
“Because, what he saw was the future.”
“You mean what he sees is the future.”
He complained, “I can say that word.”
“What word?”
“That two-letter word.”
“Is? Do you mean ‘is’?”
He nodded, “Was. Yes, I did! He saw the future. I saw what passed. I spoke only of the past.”
I guessed at his dilemma, “So, you can’t speak in the present tense, only in the past?”
He nodded, “That was correct. You listened after I explained!”
I shrugged, “Okay!”
“What you saw, at any given moment, as the next moment, or the future, became the present the instant you saw it. Then the instant you saw it, it became the past. There was more in your past than you saw was in your future.”
With my mind spinning slightly, I said, “Let me see if I can put this into a frame of reference that I can understand.”
He said, “Could understood!”
I offered, “What I see as my next future moment becomes my present the moment I think of it!”
He smiled and said, “Was!”
I took his answer as an affirmative. I plunged on.
“Then, the moment I recognized it as my present, it was already my past!”
Again, his smile, and again, “Was correct!”
I tried to wrap it up, “So, with everything occurring in the past the instant I recognize it as the present, it is already the past! So, because there’s more in the past than I can conceive of in my future, I should do what? Study the past?”
He sighed, “That was a good conclusion. I liked it so much I would have hugged you, but my arms were on the other side of my body!”
I shook my head, “You guys are nuts. Look, just tell your buddies that I’m sorry. I never should have made fun of you and them, and I’ll never do it again.”
He complained, “Wait! You weren’t leaving, were you?”
“I can’t think like you guys do. I’m out of here!”
I slipped out of the bar and staggered away. I staggered not because of drunkenness but because my mind was reeling with trying to understand how everything that we know and experience is already in the past the moment it occurs. The past is all around us every day! We know more for certain about our past than we do for sure about our future!
“Arghh!!”