The perfect feeling of being in love and being loved back to me was an amazing miracle, but to Cameron, it didn't feel perfect at all. I could see it, and it felt heavy on me too. His silence said more than he did, and though I wanted to know, and comfort him. I knew that he wasn't a guy that would let anyone see him weak. I had to patiently wait until he was ready to talk about his encounter with his father. After all, I had something to meditate to bring up to him as well.
We stopped in front of the footbridge that crossed the main Montgomery Village Road. The loud and blasting sound of incoming traffic could hardly let me concentrate on him. Slowly turning to face me, his honey eyes shine reflecting the lights of the cars passing by. I couldn't help but be captivated by him, something in those eyes that even with the intensity they possessed, I felt safe because those eyes never stopped showing love and care. Even when there was a deep struggle inside, a struggle breaking my heart. A lump formed in my throat and I wasn't sure why.
"Come," he said taking my hand, my heart dropped at the sound of his soft voice.
A faintly smile warmed me up and I followed as he led me towards the top of the bridge. Cameron's hand was always cold to the touch, but this time, they were gently warm. He kept them in his pockets until now. We stopped in the middle of the bridge. My eyes following his every move, I couldn't ignore the touch of sadness in his perfect face. He turned to the highway, showing his amazing profile. It was incredible to see the once worst player Cameron Derwood, now looking like a sad painting that translated everything he was feeling just by looking at it. He sighed lightly, his eyes narrowed. His perfect brows narrowed, forming a line in the middle of his forehead.
"I always wait for the lights to turn on and the darkness turns into this..." he explained as his eyes look into the highway.
The lights of hundreds of cars, like a river of swirling lights making his eyes shine and the sadness more visible. He was about to cry. My heart tightened, and I turned to face the highway with him. My free hand automatically gripped my chest; a beautiful swarm of light illuminated the highway. Like the light cords of a Christmas Tree
\twirling around, but this one looked magically alive. He squeezed my hand.
"It's cool, isn't it? It's better to see it from here," he commented still a hint of sadness in his voice. Without saying a word, I just stood beside him, leaning my head to rest on his shoulder; I let the mesmerizing lights sink in. Making it a memory of just the two of us. I held his hand tight, waiting to hear whatever was making him have these emotions.
"Since I was ten..." he paused to think for a second.
"When the lights of the city started twinkling, just as the sun started setting... against my will..." he shook his head sadly and smiled bitterly. My heart clenched.
"I, always... every day, I wanted to get home as soon as possible. With the hope to see if my m-mother had come back for me.... If she had come back like she promised to. Every day was a torture to get by..." Cameron was breaking his wall, letting me through, into that world nobody knew. That lonely agony he endured by himself, the pain he had been through every evening, and that I wanted to suffer with him now. A knot formed in my throat as tears formed in my eyes.
"Days passed. Weeks passed. Months passed, then years... eight years to be exact." he sighed heavily.
The lump in my throat was so heavy and hard it was almost chucking me down. It was painful and lonely to try to put myself in his shoes. To know, and feel alone for so many years, being so young and betrayed.
"Now and then, I stop here, and wonder, considering not going home at all.... Because I know, there's no one..." he smiled sadly, demolishing my already agonizing heart. Unable to hold back the tears any longer, I let them out, and let myself breath the pain he had gone through. It was so painful and sorrowful to keep inside.
"There's no one waiting for me, there," his voice almost a whisper or probably was me that couldn't hear him loud enough because my heart was pounding in pain to see him so depressed. He was like a little child, an abandoned child alone in a world full of misery and gloominess. My chest hurt just to imagine, the ten-year-old Cameron wanting to see his mother, but she never was home, never there for him.
"My, mom... she passed away a few w-weeks ago..." he choked the words out as his voice broke completely, shredding his strong façade taking me down with him.
"All this time have passed since she left me... I don't know if she ever considered taking me with her, I'd like to hope so, but, but just remembering how loving and gentle she was before... somewhere in my heart, I, just hoped that she would regret leaving and she would come back to me..." for the first time his tears rolling down, to hear the grief in his heart, the pain he was going through.
"I'd forgiven her for leaving, but n-now she, will never come back..." he smiled not wanting to cry wiping the loose tear in the corner of his beautiful eyes.
Seeing Cameron with a lost expression was too difficult to bare. The guilt of keeping my condition from him, the guilt of making him admit that he loved me when I might die was burning my soul. My throat tightened with everything I couldn't say, my eyes full of tears that Cameron couldn't cry. He turned to me, and smiled a lost and fading smile, it was like a knife cutting the deepest and painful cut in my whole life, but it helped me made up my mind. I was making up my mind like I never did before.
"It sucks doesn't it," he whispered painfully.
"I-I'm so sorry," I cried, wrapping my arms around his waist, he hugged back tightly.
Just as strongly as I did, his heavily pounding heart right in my ear. Maybe I was young. Maybe I was losing it to the fact that my death was coming up, but I believed Cameron was the one I wanted to spend my life with, long or short, it didn't matter what my future held. I wanted to fight to survive, I wanted to make it and avoid at all cost to ever have to be the reason for Cameron's pain.
Wrapping ourselves in warmth and softness, he made me feel secure and ready to face whatever my surgery was going to bring. I wanted him to feel the same way; I wanted to be the one that made him feel like this, feel how strong someone's love could make him feel.
"Since my dad told me about my mother. All that's been going through my mind is, make memories, make as many memories as I can with you. There's no hurry, though, but I have this feeling..." he said, pushing me enough to see my face, but not letting go of his hold.
"I don't want you to disappear, Sam, I can't imagine a life without you now... it's scary to think about," he whispered crushing my body gently to his, burying my face in his chest, I cried even more. How was I supposed to tell Cameron about me, now? I was lying. Though, there was a chance, what if I didn't make it? What if even with all the hope and faith I had, what if that wasn't enough to save myself?
"No, there's no hurry," I mumbled on his chest. Taking everything on chances.
"Because I will always be with you. No matter what, I will fight against destiny, just to stay with you." taking the chance that God gave me; I had one more reason to keep on fighting for my life and to make Cameron's life a little lighter. Even with all the worries and pains, still I had faith and that's all I needed.
"I promise," I said pushing his enough to see his face, holding his gaze, it surprised me a little the confidence, I had. He sadly smiled, taking a deep breath to control my heart.
"Thank you," he said, gently pressing his lips to my forehead.
"I'm ready to take anything, because I don't want you to ever look this sad, again." my voice stumbled, but still sounded confident. Cameron's eyes shine with the lights, but there was also something else in them, passion, gentleness, and love. It made my heart tickled gently, but even that tickled sent cold chills through my body, a warning.
"Though I feel sad, I can help but to do this," he whispered gently caressing my trembling lips, letting myself lose into the bittersweet kiss, I locked my arms around Cameron's neck to secure him and not let him go, not let him be alone ever, again. I was determined to fight with all I had for him and for what we had.
"I've wanted to say something else for some time..." he whispered gently, tickling my ear. I closed my eyes to enjoy the moment. He gently ran his hand over my left cheek. His eyes sad again.
"That time you really shocked me, taking a punch from me it was a moment I'll never forget, honestly," he said, remembering the crazy moment I decided to step into a man's fight. He sighed gently caressing my cheek, my eyes on his.
"I promise, and I'm serious, Sam." I waited as he sucked in a deep breath.
"I would never hurt you, again, I promise," he whispered, gently pressing his lips on the place his fist had crushed that time. Then moving to my lips again. I sunk into the moment in his touch, adding more determination to my battle.